


To Save Yourself

by YukiJudai



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: Alternate Universe, But it's the work I wanted to finish soonest, M/M, Way to start off with Shincest for a new account, i suck at summaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 08:58:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2382533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YukiJudai/pseuds/YukiJudai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine seeing 'yourself' in your dreams where you finally have an outlet to release all your self-hatred only to find out that it isn't really yourself. But you end up being saved by 'yourself' in the end and your emotions and reliance towards him simply grow so much to the point that you have no control of yourself. But then again, are you really saved though or are you in a worst state than before?</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Save Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly speaking, this wasn't really satisfactory since I feel that there are some areas in the plot aren't really explained well. Well...the plot got messed up somewhere along the way too. I just wanted to have a try at writing Selfcest for once but then...I guess it just turned out weird when I got confused about what I was trying to do after leaving it alone for a month and I forgot the original plot. Things are more of headcanon so it's not really related.
> 
> To make it easier to tell the difference between the Shintaros, I tried to make the phrasing and everything differ for them as well as the italics to make it clearer. Which end up making it seem... POV when I don't really like writing like that. 
> 
> There's little speeches because my writing style is kind of concentrating on the character's thoughts... Which I know that not everyone enjoy so take note of that. Well, it might be a little confusing as well so do let me know too. There might be mistakes too since I finished this in a rush.

                The first time that it happened, Shintaro thought he was hallucinating. Because how else would it be possible for him to see ‘himself’ there on the bed otherwise when he was obviously sitting on his chair right now? He blinked and stared confusedly at the almost transparent figure of ‘himself’ and Shintaro could swear that that other him was staring right back at him.

                No he was wrong, that was not a stare, it was a glare. If this was really a hallucination, he must really hate himself when that glare was filled with hatred and loathing. Shintaro chuckled, maybe that was right when he was unable to help out Ayano before he died anyway.

                The figure disappeared a minute later with Shintaro wondering why he imaged himself wearing a black jacket instead of a red one. Ene’s loud voice startled him out of his thoughts and Shintaro had even asked her if she had seen anything earlier to prove that he was just imagining things earlier.

                Shintaro brushed it off when Ene told him no, forgetting all about it till he fell asleep.

* * *

 

                 _Of all things that he had to hallucinate, it had to be of himself. He could not help but glare at the image of himself with disgust and loathing. The other him was dressed in a familiar red jersey that he knew so well and that only made his hatred grew stronger._

_It simply reminded him of the powerless him who wore that red jersey while being unable to save Ayano. He continued glaring at the transparent figure from his bed till he disappeared. But even when the other figure of himself had disappeared, the self loathing on himself till continued growing strong and he closed his eyes._

_His hatred for himself must have manifested to actually give him an outlet. He was certain that he was asleep so this was a dream? Unlike earlier, the figure in front of him right now was very much opaque and seemed very solid._

_Just when he raised his hand to want to try touching the figure, the other person did the same and their hands touched. There was warmth, warmth that he had not felt for a very long time and he instantly flinched away from it._

_Not when he was no longer able to feel Ayano’s warmth and Ayano would forever be unable to feel any warmth at all. “W-What—“ The other person stammered out and he simply chuckled at the dazed expression on the other’s face. What kind of expression was that? That was not an expression that suited his face._

_He narrowed his eyes and scowled. The only kind of face that he should ever have on his face should be an anguished one. A person who robbed his friend of a future and was unable to help her should not have a right to even be alive right now._

_Perhaps because this was a dream that he was willing to be more open with himself and accept the reason why he was hating himself so much. He fought the urge to laugh when he finally took in notice of his surroundings. This was his own room, he was certain of that when he could see the drawer opened with his many pairs of red scissors._

_Chortling, he grabbed hold of one of the pair of scissors and brought it close to his other self. This dream was mostly manifested from his own self hatred and for a way to make himself suffer and an outlet for letting it out. Since it was a dream anyway, he narrowed his eyes and brought the scissors up._

_“Wait…what are you planning on doi—“ His other self’s words were replaced by a large scream of pain when he stabbed the scissors deep into his shoulder. The blood were oozing out of the wound and he simply further pushed the scissors inside. He could see the pained expression his other self had on his face and somehow, that expression just made him feel at ease._

_“Ah…that look…that’s right…that’s an expression that’s most fitting for me…” He stated with a pained smile, because this was what someone who let Ayano die deserve. He only had himself to blame for this and what better way than to make himself pay with his own hands._

_“I’m not someone who deserves to have happiness…” He mumbled softly with a chuckle as he forcefully pulled out the scissors before stabbing it into another part of his other self’s body. As time passed, he ended up getting more and more into it as he watched the expression on his other self’s face as the screams grew louder and louder._

_That pain was something that he deserved and he could tell from  the other’s eyes that he thought the same. He did not remember what happened towards the end but when he came to, he was back in his room alone and Ene was telling him to wake up._

_“…Was that a dream?” He asked himself before shrugging it off. A part of him felt better now that he was able to finally fully inflict pain to himself without worrying about killing himself. Because killing himself off was just an end that was too easy for him, he had to live and suffer for his own consequences._

* * *

 

               Shintaro woke up with cold sweat and a scream. His body seemed perfectly fine so it was a dream? Did he actually hate himself that much to have such a dream? But he probably deserved it anyway and he ignored Ene when she asked he had a bad dream.

                There was still an aching pain coming from his body despite there not being any wounds at all and Shintaro wondered if that was all psychological. As Shintaro stared at his room, something clicked in his mind as he recalled something from his dream.

                “That wasn’t my room…” In his dream, Shintaro thought that he was in his room but now that he looked carefully, there were some differences. The position of things were a little different as well as the fact that he was certain that he did not own that many pair of scissors.

                It was strange how Shintaro had imaged himself with that many pair of scissors or be in a room that looked like his and at the same time was not his room. “Was that really a dream…?” It felt eerily real too.

                Shintaro had struggled at first when he first felt the pair of scissors stabbing into him but when he had glanced at the expression of the other him, it was one that seemed to be relieved of some of his burden and he ended up accepting it. It was what he deserved and as the stabs kept coming, a part of him had whispered that it was atonement towards Ayano and he felt himself being relieved of some of his own mental pain as well.

                “It’s you again…” Shintaro muttered as he glanced at the black-jacket wearing figure. Looks like his mind had decided to start hallucinating again after three days. It did not seem like the other him could hear him and this time Shintaro had managed to look carefully to know that the surrounding of the other him was not his own room.

                Just like before, the other him was glaring at him again and he disappeared a minute later. “What?” Shintaro questioned himself puzzledly and he tried to distract himself from it by looking through some random person’s blog and commenting on it.

                There was a huge unease when he tried to sleep that night. For some reason, Shintaro just could not fall asleep and there was this feeling that if he went to bed, he would end up seeing the other him again. But Shintaro’s tired body ended up giving up an hour later and he was fast asleep.

                Just like what Shintaro suspected, he really did end up seeing the other him in his dream again. Shintaro took a good look at his surrounding to confirm where he is before speaking up. “This isn’t my room. Just who exactly are you? Why does this place look so similar to my room and why do you look just like me?”

                The other him seemed horribly confused at his words and it took a while before he spoke up. “What do you mean this isn’t your room? Aren’t you me…?” The other him asked hesitantly, confusion clear in his tone. Shintaro could tell of course, this was him he was looking at after all.

                “…That’s what I thought at first but when I woke up and glanced at my room more carefully, there are some minor differences and I don’t own that many pair of scissors too. Besides, we’re dressed differently. I thought that was what my mind made up for me to be able to differentiate myself but that’s not exactly the case right?” Shintaro waited for a reply patiently, there was no point in rushing him when it did not seem like he had much idea either.

                The other him’s response was faster than what Shintaro expected though. “This place looks exactly like my room and those pair of scissors are mine. If all these aren’t things that look like yours…doesn’t that mean that you’re not exactly ‘me’?” The other him questioned him and Shintaro groaned.

                It seemed like neither of them had any clear idea that. “Why don’t we start by exchanging some information that only we’re supposed to know?” The both of them started off with stating one personal experience from their childhood and the other would continue from that. They exchanged information for a while and it was not long when they both realised that unlike what they initially thought, they were both different people.

                “It seems like our memories differ after Ayano’s death. Everything else is the same…” Shintaro stated, the part where the both were unable to figure out that there was something wrong with Ayano before it was too late was the same too.

                The other him seemed to agree when he nodded his head before he spoke up as well. “I’m not sure what’s going on exactly…But I guess we’ll meet over here every time we happen to see that vision during the day? That seems to be the only common thing we have that happens during the day before we meet.”

                The point that his other self pointed out made sense when Shintaro could not think of anything else that was similar. “So we’ll really different people then…?” Shintaro asked as he tried to comprehend what was going on exactly.

                “I suppose. But just to make sure…do you have these?” The other him had rolled up the sleeves of his right arm before showing him his arm. The other him’s facial expression was one of a completely indifferent one that Shintaro had thought that it would be something normal.

                But what Shintaro saw was completely far from that. Shintaro could have stand and gape for a few seconds before he could finally form words to say. “You…your wrist…” His other self’s wrist were filled with scars, scars that Shintaro was certain to be self-inflicted with how the scars looked like. There was one that seemed rather fresh too as there was still scab present.

                The other him shrugged it off like it was nothing. “It’s nothing serious. They’re all wounds that aren’t deep enough to kill but enough to leave a deep aching pain. It’s what I deserve after all… death is a much too easy end for me… I need to suffer more and even then…it’s never enough to make up for it…” The other him did not have to say what he meant about making it up for when Shintaro knew it well enough.

                It was the same reason why Shintaro chose to isolate himself and stay cooped up in his room after all. Shintaro took a deep breath before he walked towards the other and decreasing the distance between them. “It’s alright.” Shintaro whispered as he hugged the other him tightly. Shintaro could understand what he was thinking when there were moments that he thought that way as well. His thoughts might not be as intense as what the other had, they were still close enough.

                Shintaro shifted slightly in the embrace so that he could look at him while ensuring that he still had a tight hold on him. “You’re already making it up for it aren’t you? You don’t leave your room and you do everything that you can to make sure that you don’t forget that. Because you can’t forgive yourself, you’ll never be able to forget that or Ayano either. That’s already enough. You’re already punishing yourself mentally without doing it physically already.”

                Perhaps because it was not technically himself that he was talking to that Shintaro was about to say it. If it was himself, there was no way that Shintaro would be able to say such a thing because no matter what he did to himself, Shintaro would think that he deserved it. Hence why he decided to speak up.

                They were the same and at the same time different, that was why Shintaro was able to see it from the point of view of an outsider. Shintaro felt the other him shifting in his embrace and seconds later a pair of arms wrapped around his waist hesitantly. “I’m sorry.” The other him whispered softly as he buried his face at the crook of Shintaro’s neck.

                Shintaro blinked confusedly in response when he did not understand why the other was apologising to him. “Why are you apologising?” There was no response for a while and the pair of arms around his waist withdrew and Shintaro felt himself lightly pushed away.

                “For hurting you.” The other him answered with an apologetic tone, the facial expression on his face was an anguished one.  From that expression, it was apparent that the other him was really pained and Shintaro hurriedly struggled to find something to say.

                The reason behind the apology slowly clicked when Shintaro finally realised what the other was talking about. “You’re talking about what happened before? If that’s so, it’s fine. It’s something that I deserve and it helped to make me feel better too. Unlike you, I don’t have the guts to even harm myself like that so when you stabbed me that time, I felt that I was finally getting my retribution.”

                “I thought that you were me that time…and I finally had the chance to inflict the amount of pain that I deserved to myself. Since I thought it was a dream, no matter how deep the wounds are, I wouldn’t be able to die so I used that chance to go all out because I wouldn’t be able to do so in real life.” The other him explained while averting his eyes away from him.

                Shintaro patted the other’s pat gently. “It’s alright, you didn’t know after all and I don’t blame you at all. Besides, those wounds weren’t brought over to my real body too. When I woke up, there wasn’t a single scratch on my body.”

                Shintaro rolled up his sleeves and brought his arm towards the point that the other him over there. “See! There’s no scar or anything that shows what you did before so let’s just forget about it alright?” Shintaro concluded with a definite tone, putting an end to that conversation before starting a new one.

                “I guess this means that anything that happens here doesn’t affect our real body or lives for that matter? I don’t think anyone else can see you when I do too, at least I’m certain that Ene doesn’t.” Shintaro remembered asking her about it when he first starting seeing the other him and she definitely did not when she was questioning his sanity as she told him no.

                The other him’s expression seemingly relaxed and Shintaro mentally cheered that he succeeded in shifting the other’s chain of thoughts. “I guess so. I don’t think the Ene on my side could see you either.”

                “That means we can conclude that we’re the only one we can see each other, when we do see each other during the day we would definitely meet in our sleep and whatever happens here isn’t brought along our whole body.” Shintaro summarised thoughtfully as he tried to think of any other things that he might had missed out.

                “We still don’t know why this happens or how is it possible though.” His other self was right when this still did not make any sense and scientifically speaking, how was this even possible in the first place? But that held absoloutely no importance to Shintaro.

                Shintaro simply smiled, his mood seemed to have gotten better and he could not even remember the last time he was able to smile this naturally. “Whatever the reason is, it doesn’t matter right? It allowed us to meet after all?”

                Before Shintaro got a chance to hear a reply, everything turned black and when he opened his eyes, he was back in his own room again and Ene was shouting at him to wake up as usual. “I guess I ran out of time…” Shintaro muttered to himself as he wondered if he would get to see the other him again.

* * *

 

_Just when he was about to give his other self a reply, the place was suddenly shrouded in darkness and when he came to, he was back in his room alone. “Yeah…” He whispered softly as a small smile formed without his knowledge._

_That was not the last time that they met though. The intervals were never the same, sometimes he would get to meet his other self a few times a week and sometimes he only managed to see him once a week._

_He had long since stopped self-inflicting cuts on himself when his other self would make it a point to check his body for any possible cuts and tell him off for it that he stopped simply just not to hear him talk about it again. Ene seemed to be relieved that he stopped cutting himself too and he merely wondered why she even cares but he never got a reply anyway._

_Somewhere along the way, something had changed inside him. He still refused to step out of his room or have any interaction with anyone else and entrapped himself in his memories of Ayano by thinking of her and her warmth every day.  An image of his other self flashed in his mind for a second before he shook it off._

_This was different, he told himself. He was still alone when he did not leave his room and this might just be a figment of his own imagination the whole time. The only source of warmth that he ever had now was technically himself in a sense and the warmth was the same as the one he gave himself so he still had not broken anything that he decided on._

_They had already concluded that anything that happened there held no impact on their real body so the only warmth that he had last felt with his real body was still Ayano. It would go away some time in the future was what he thought._

_But things just always progress in a different manner. In fact he found himself relying on his other self more and more and he was often craving to be able to meet him again. He was often anticipating to see if he would be able to catch a glimpse of him during the day as that would mean that he would be able to spend time with him at night if that was the case._

_When he was unable to see him for a few days, his mood would darkened a lot and sometimes the urge to pick up the pair of scissors to inflict another cut would be very strong that he would be unable to resist. There was once that he was unable to will it away and he ended up cutting himself again after not doing so for a long time._

_The cut gave him a shorter relief than before and it was not working that well that he had ended up with more cuts than he originally planned. He ended up seeing his other self before they were healed though and instead of telling him off, his other self simply had a pained expression on his face._

_He decided to never give in to the temptation ever again as he never wants to see his other self have such an expression on his face because of him again. A pained expression would be fine if it was his own face but such a thing should never be on his other self’s face and he hurriedly promised that it would not happen again. He silently swore to himself that he would protect his other self from now on._

                 _Things went well for a while and he was even starting to lose some of his own self hatred. But that changed the day that he found himself staring at the other in a place that was not his room and he was also with some other people that he did not know. “What…” He muttered to himself in shock._

_That was not right…It was true that they lived different lives and he was certain that the differences between them were rather big, but one of the similarities between the both of them was that neither of them had stepped out of their room or have any form of interaction with a living person for that matter._

                 _His other self seemed to have spotted him and was mouthing him something but he was not sure as maybe his other self was just talking to someone else that was with him. The sight disappeared less than a minute later,_

_That night when they met in the dream, he felt utterly betrayed and anger for him to look happy when he was not supposed to. But he suppressed it as he waited for his other self to tell him what happened between the three days that they did not meet._

_It turned out that due to some events his other self had ended up leaving the house and meeting the people who he saw earlier on during the day. His other self did not call them friends and he supposed he understood that his other self did not want Momo to be around people he did not know well._

_His other self had assured him that he had not forgotten about Ayano and he had not forgiven himself for it yet too. The reassurance had him relaxing in relief because if that was not the case, he had no idea how he would react._

_Nothing happened for a while, at least until the intervals where they got to meet were lesser and lesser. It seemed like he was the only one who thought of seeing his other self too when his other self often mentioned to him about who the people he saw previously. His other self had stopped paying as much attention to him as before and the look that he directed at him was different too._

_It finally grew worst when it was almost a year after his other self met those people. The vision he saw of his other self this time was unlike before, his other was smiling as he talked to someone with white hair and pink eyes. His other self did not seem to notice him either and he simply narrowed his eyes and turned away from it._

_Anger was starting to surface and the feelings that he had been suppressing for so long finally gave way. “You liar. You’ve already forgotten about Ayano…and me…” He whispered to himself as he tried to distract himself from these thoughts._

_Later that night, it was confirmed that his other self really did not notice him during the day. His other self seemed surprised to see him and apologised that he was distracted with talking to one of his friends. The word friend coming out of his other self’s lips was the trigger of what was going to happen._

_“You betrayed me…” He exclaimed as he stared at his other self with cold eyes, they were even more devoid of warm than the first time the met. His words seemed to have brought to his other self’s attention that something was wrong._

_“What do you mean I betrayed you?” Confusion was clearly apparent in his other self’s tone and he could only give a hollow laugh as a response. He was wrong, so wrong to had ever thought that the one who would be able to understand him would be his other self. The only one who could understand him best would be just himself._

_His other self did not even understand why he said that even when they were in each other’s company for three years already. “Do you really not know?” He asked coldly as he walked towards his other self till there were barely any distance between them._

_“What do you think this is all about? You should know, don’t you? After all, I bared myself towards you this whole time. You forgot about what we should be doing, you forgot what you’re supposed to be doing to make it up to Ayano. Do you even remember about Ayano? Or me even?” The last part was something that he had accidentally slipped out and he regretted it when it only made it sound like he was jealous._

_Perhaps he really was as he thought back towards the surge of emotions that he had when his saw his other self with those people for a year. “No, I haven’t forgotten about Ayano and neither have I forgiven myself about it. This is different, no one would ever take the place that Ayano have in my heart, you know that. A person’s heart has space for more than one person, just because I have more people with me now doesn’t mean that I have forgotten her or have her replaced. What do you mean I forgot about you? You’re someone special, I can’t possibly forget about you and no one would ever be able to replace you.”_

_He chuckled in response before shaking his head. “Is that so? Are you even sure you think about Ayano or me when you’re with them? When you’re smiling, do you think about Ayano who can no longer smile? If you really do remember me when you’re with them, then can you even tell me the last time that you ever looked at me properly or even talk to me about things that aren’t related to that precious Mekakushi Dan of yours?”_

_There was no response just like he expected. “You can’t answer that now can you? Because you have already ranked those people as more important. How do you feel smiling and having physical contact with them when you know that Ayano would never be able to have someone smiling at her like that or having any warmth with anyone?” He knew that his words were going to hurt his other self but he could not be bothered at this moment._

_“Physical contact? You mean Konoha? There’s a rea—“ He cut his other self off by stabbing his shoulder with the pair of scissors he had been holding the whole time. His other self’s cry of pain almost made him regret doing it when he recalled that he once swore to himself that he would protect him._

_His eyes narrowed and a voice in his mind told him that his other self no longer deserved him to protect him anymore. He pulled the pair of scissors out quickly, watching as the blood seeped out from the wound he created with cold eyes.  The thought of his other self sitting closely beside that Konoha person flashed in his mind caused him to lose even more self-control. “If you’re going to be ruined by someone else and get warmth from someone else that isn’t Ayano…I might as well do it myself…”_

_“What are you trying to do?” His other self was looking at him in fear and he was backing away from him. That action simply fuelled his anger further and he reduced the distance between them by grabbing his other self’s arm tightly and tugging him forward. The force caused his other self to lose balance and he ended up falling right smack against him._

_He hugged his other self tight and breathed in deeply.  His scent smelt like his own and he was not at all surprised by that when they were still the same person with the only difference being their experience. “I wonder. But you don’t mind this right? I mean you’ve already given up not seeking warmth from other people when you can sit so closely to someone else so naturally.” Normally he would be able to relax when he is embracing his other self, but this time there was still a huge empty space that he could not fill even with his other self around. Perhaps it was because his other self had someone else now that it felt like it different._

_This was not enough, the warmth that he could feel was most likely something his other self gave to someone else too. He needed something more, something that was just unique to him. He no longer had much understanding of what he was currently doing, letting his actions be whatever that first pops up in his mind._

_Without sparing much thought to it, he crashed his lips against his other self’s and for a moment that warmth was enough. Until the thought that his other self might have already done it with someone else, this was still not unique enough. His other self was struggling to push him away and he harshly bit his other self’s lips in response._

_There was a hushed gasp of pain coming out of his other self’s mouth and he could taste blood when he started licking the wound. The voice in his head appeared again, telling him that this was still too easy for his other self and how would this even be enough. He raised his right hand to grab hold of his other self’s head so that he would stay put._

_Taking advantage of the moment his other self opened his mouth to say something, he slipped his tongue into his mouth and immediately started exploring it. It tasted like the soda he drank everyday and he wondered if he tasted the same too. That thought was brushed off when the voice told him to take it another step further._

_He closed his eyes as he tried to further deepen the kiss, wrapping his tongue around his other self’s to get him to respond. Instead of getting the response that he wanted, his other self bit down hard on his tongue, causing him to loosen his grip on his other self’s head and giving him a chance to pull back. His other self seemed to be taking deep breaths and one of his hand was heading towards his wounded shoulder._

_“Do you even know what you’re doing? You should come back to your senses already.” His other self asked while pressing down on his wounded shoulder to stop the bleeding. The eyes he was using to look at him made him want to laugh; they were not the eyes that he wanted to see._

_“Of course I know what I’m doing, I’m surprised that’s what you’re asking though when there’s something else you should be asking.” He honestly thought that his other self would ask what the plans for him are. But since he did not ask, why should he bother telling him that? Well he honestly had no idea what his next plans were at the moment anyway._

_The other him got up and instead of backing away from him, he actually approached. “I don’t know what happened but you should calm down.” The other him muttered timidly as he took small steps towards. It was clear that the other him was pretty much terrified when he was shaking more and more as the distance between them reduced._

_“What happened? All these is because of you! All because you decided to befriend those people and because you… did a half-hearted job at trying to care about me. If you didn’t act like you care about my well-being and put me above yourself, I wouldn’t have developed this over-dependence on you and wouldn’t feel so betrayed that you stopped looking at me. This is your own fault.” He stated coldly as he shoved his other self towards the bed._

_The pair of scissors he used to stab his other self was still in his hand and a thought came to mind as he decided to carry it out later. “Did you even consider your own actions? What you did was pretty much cruel. You offered your hand to the me that was on the ground, but before I could stand up completely, you released your hand again and left me back on the ground. That’s what your actions were.” He whispered with a mocking tone as he could not control the emotions that were drowning him more and more._

_He was already too far gone to even understand what he was currently doing or what the consequences of his own actions would be. Right now the only thing that was on his mind was to make his other self look at only him right now and he needed to be closer to him, closer than anyone else would be. The voice in his mind whispered to him that there was only one thing that would give him what he wanted and he should do it._

_He stopped thinking completely and simply acted out what that voice in his mind said. The other him as in sensing his intentions had started back away from him again. But that was a futile attempt when he simply backed himself into a dead end when he was still on the bed._

_His other self had a pleading look on his face and he scoffed that his other self would think that such a thing would deter him from doing what he was planning to do. “It’s too late now.” He repeated himself again, if things were of back then, he would not even be doing such things right now._

_Somewhere along the way, he had no idea when but he had started thinking that his other self was alluring and how his feelings towards his other self turned out this way. It was messed up, he was already messed up before but now this was of a different calibre. Right now, the only thing on his mind was just to get closer to his other self._

_He had already completely tuned out the other him’s voice that he no longer heard a word that he was saying. Seeing how the other him had already backed himself into a dead end, it was so much easier to do what he was planning to do. He roughly pulled at the other him’s feet so that he could move him forward._

_It was surprisingly easy for him to pull it off that he froze in surprise for a few seconds before he continued what he was planning to do. Despite him not reacting for those few seconds, the other him had still failed to struggle away._

_Releasing his grip on the other’s feet, he roughly pinned his hands above instead before he stabbed the scissors through both hands that they had successfully embedded the other him to the bed. The other him would probably stop struggling now, especially since it would mean more hurt for him if he tried to move._

_He was still tuning the other him out but he was certain that the other was probably still asking him to stop. He could feel the other struggle even more when he felt him attempting to remove his clothing._

_Which did not really work at all of course when the other him could only trash around with his legs with his hands firmly stuck with the pair of scissors. “You made me do it.” He whispered softly as he hoisted the other him’s legs up._

_“This way, the one that would be hurting would be you and no one would be closer to you than me. If you didn’t do what you do, you wouldn’t have to go through this or feel this pain. But this pain is nothing compared to what I had.” Ignoring the other him’s last attempt to get him to stop, he shut him up by forcing his way into the other him’s entrance._

* * *

 

_It was much too late when he finally regained his sense of thought. He could only stare in shock as he took in the state that the other him was in. There were blood mixed with cum present on the sheets and the pair of scissors were still stabbed into the other him’s hands. He hurriedly pulled it off and wished that it was all a dream that all the things he did was not right._

_But it very much was especially since the other him had regained conscious and opened his eyes._   _He remained frozen as he continued staring in horror as the realisation of his actions finally fully sunk in._

* * *

 

               The first thing that Shintaro saw when he opened his eyes were the shocked expression on his other self’s face. ‘Ah he had finally returned.’ Was the only thing that entered Shintaro’s mind and he attempted to sit out despite the huge amount of pain that it took him to do so.

               His hands were still bleeding, allowing him to know that the pair of scissors were just recently removed. His other self was still frozen in shock and Shintaro shifted closer to him.  “You don’t have to look so hurt.” He managed to voice before his other self moved away in a hurry.

               “Hurt? The one that’s hurt is you.” His other self replied as he laughed. The laugh sounded fake, it was enough to let Shintaro know that his other self was blaming himself right now.  Shintaro was pretty surprise at how he still could not blame his other self despite what had happened earlier.

               No, it was because Shintaro did not really had a right to. His other self was correct, Shintaro had only tried to save him for his own sake and when he had met the others in Mekakushi Dan, Shintaro had forgo his attempt and even forgot about his other self. This was something that he probably deserved even if his other self did not really think so.

               “Not as much as you.” Shintaro answered as he managed a smile. His body was still pretty wrecked that Shintaro could still the pain from the various parts of his body. It was true that his other self had hurt him but the one who had indirectly caused that was himself. The amount of pain that his other self must had felt when Shintaro stopped showing as much concern to him as before and watching him interact with the others in the Dan must have been way worst.

               His other self seemed dumbfounded by his words and Shintaro opened his mouth to explain it. “It’s true that you had hurt me physically… but the amount of mental pain that you had felt when you watched me interact with others while you were being unable to, the feelings of betrayal that you must had…as well as the amount of pain that you have right now for hurting me.”

* * *

 

                 _Why was the other him smiling at him and not blaming him at all? Despite all the pain that he must had felt, it was still wrong of him to have done what he had done to him. This was not right, the other him should be screaming at him and telling him that he would never forgive him. He continued keeping his mouth shut as he looked away._

_“I’m sorry…I’m sorry for not managing to save you from your suffering. I thought that I had helped you get out of it before but that wasn’t the case when you’re in much more pain that what I could even imagine. I thought that if I could let you see and hear about what it would be like to have friends, I would be able to help you. I only made things worst when you’re cutting yourself again and I didn’t managed to realise that on time that my actions made you suffer even more…” His other self was hugging him tightly and he could only stayed frozen in the unexpected embrace._

_He shook his head frantically, his other self was thinking about him the whole time and what had he done to him? What he did was something completely unforgivable even if it was something that only happened mentally and technically did not really happen when it would have no effect on his other self’s real body. But that still did not make his actions any better. “No…I’m the one that’s—“_

_He did not manage to finish his apology when time was obviously up when he was back in his room alone with Ene again. He must be horribly messed up to have actually done that to his other self and no matter how shrouded in darkness his mind had been, that was still inexcusable. “I’m sorry.” He muttered to himself as he cried for the first time in three years._

_For the first time, he actually dreaded being able to meet the other him again. He had no idea what he was supposed to do or say to him. Nothing could ever completely make up to the other him over what he had done._

_It was another two days when he finally snapped and made up his mind on what to do. Maybe this was what he deserved after breaking his own promise of not forgetting Ayano’s warmth when he had long since craved for his other self’s warmth. He still remembers Ayano’s warmth but that was still different from what he had promised her during her funeral._

_This had to end, he had to end it. He had enough, maybe he was simply a coward all along and clung onto his other self in order for him to find an excuse to live. “This is the end.” He muttered as he grabbed hold of one of the scissors from his drawer._

_His other self had moved on already, he did not want to become a burden that would tie his other self back. “I’m the only one that has to be this way.” He declared to himself as brought the pair of scissors towards his neck._

_Right before he stabbed the scissors into his own neck, he could see his other self rushing towards someone he did not know. His other self got shot the same moment that he had finally managed to stab the scissors into his neck. He could feel the pain and blood flowing out of his wound and he simply closed his eyes as he lied down on his bed._

_He managed to laugh as he thought about the irony that the both of them ended up dying at the same time. Perhaps that was their fate, both of them to die at the same time and somehow, that was something that he was slightly happy about._

_But that happiness died off quickly when he ended up seeing Ayano standing in front of him in a classroom that he knew so well. He wished that this would go away soon but his wish was not granted. Especially when Ayano asked if they should say their farewells and for some strange reason, he was certain that his other self was standing at the exact same spot as him and that they were looking at the same thing._

_“No—“ He screamed as he turned away from Ayano. No, this was not what he wanted at all. If he said good bye to her, it would mean that everything that he had tried so hard to do was all in vain. He refused to bid good bye to their memories or forget her warmth at all and if he said his farewell to her, he would have to move on and that was something that he did not want at all._

* * *

 

                Shintaro had no idea what was happening. He was very certain that he was just with the others earlier on right when Konoha had turned black all of a sudden, from his hair to his clothes and the pink eyes that Konoha had turned to yellow. If that was not confusing enough, the blacker Konoha had suddenly brought up a gun and was about to point it to himself.

                “NO!” Shintaro remembered screaming in horror, he did not want someone he cared about to die again. Ayano was enough and he was still suffering at the hurt he had caused his other self. Shintaro recalled running towards the black Konoha with the intention of stopping him and a split second before he ended up shot by the gun, he could see his other self with a pair of scissors pointing at his neck.

               Shintaro was horrified and he was certain that he tried to mouth a stop but it was too late when the bullet caused him to fall towards the ground. ‘NO’ he screamed in his mind, it was alright if he died but he did not want his other self to commit suicide, especially not when they had not gotten the chance to speak yet.

               That was all that Shintaro could recall. When he regained consciousness, the first thing that he realised was that he was currently in a place he knew so well. The place where he used to spend time with Ayano that he took for granted.

               It might be his imagination but he could feel the other him standing at the same spot as him, but instead of approaching Ayano that he did, the other him had ran off. Ayano had asked if they should say their farewells and Shintaro agreed with it.

               If this was in the past, Shintaro was certain that he was going to behave the same as the other him. But right now because he had the people in the Mekakushi Dan and most importantly the other him that he was able to take this step. Shintaro smiled as he thanked Ayano and finally bid her good bye.

               Ayano seemed shocked by his actions but he could understand her reason. It was his turn to be surprised when Ayano wrapped the red scarf that she was always wearing around his neck before disappearing. The smile remained on Shintaro’s face as everything disappeared and shifted towards the other him.

               Shintaro had a feeling that this would happen when he felt the other him near him earlier on. The fact that they were at the same place earlier meant that there was a possibility of them meeting. It seemed like the other him had not expected that though when he was staring at him with a shock expression.

               Without them even saying anything, Shintaro already knew that the reason behind that was because of what happened to them previously. Shintaro could not blame him when they did not manage to settle it before time ran out previously. That was why he had to hurry right now, Shintaro had a feeling that they might not have much time left and he wanted to end it off in a good note.

Shintaro smiled again as he pulled the other him into an embrace before he spoke up.

* * *

 

                 _“It’s alright, I forgive you.” His other self assured him and he could only stare in surprise. The look on his other self’s face showed that he really meant it and that caused him to struggle out of the embrace. Despite what he had done to him, how could his other self say that he forgive him like it was nothing?_

_“How can you forgive me for that? When I—“ He could not even bring himself to finish his words. No amount of apology could make up for what he had done and even more so when it was something completely unforgivable. He clutched his hands tightly as he averted his gaze away from his other self._

_His other self spoke up immediately like it was something natural. “Because you’re special. I told you that before didn’t I? No matter what you do to me, even if your actions hurt me physically and mentally, I can never hate you. I didn’t pretend to care about you, I really do. Despite what you did being something that is completely unforgivable even if it was a wrong method of showing how important I was to you, I’ll still forgive you.  As long as it’s something that I can help you with, no matter what the expense, I’m alright with it because you hold a special place in my heart.” His other self had pressed his lips into his and the chaste kiss ended seconds later without him being able to react._

_“I understand how you feel completely. Just like how you thought that I managed to ease your suffering, I felt the same. It was because that you were there for me that I was able to gather the courage to try to make friends and join the Dan. If you weren’t there for me this whole time, I probably won’t be the me the way I am. It’s because you saved me, that’s why I tried so hard to help you. The moment we met the first time in the dream, your actions had already helped to get rid of some of my self hatred. But despite that, I was never able to help you.” His other self had ended his words there and he finally managed to make himself look at him._

_The tears that started appearing were out of his control and he willingly allowed his other self to pull him close. “You’re an idiot.” He muttered out to his other self as he hugged him back. The space they were in seemed to be disappearing and he hurriedly spoke out his next words._

_“Me too… Because you were there there that I could hate myself less. But despite so, I still wasn’t able to be as strong as you. Just like how it was when we first met, the both of us are similar and at the same time different. Our present and future are different and I believe they would never be the same. But even so, I’m glad to have been able to meet you. I’m going to try to take a step forward and maybe it would be just like you…” He whispered softly to his other self who instantly assured him that things would turn out fine for him._

_“Will we meet again?” He asked his other self, their future were going to start getting even more different and he had a hunch that whatever caused them to meet would not continue. Especially since this time it was strange that they were in a white space devoid of anything except for the both of them and it was the first time that the space they were in was disappearing bit by bit._

_His other self smiled and nodded his head. “Of course!” It was the last thing that he saw and heard from his other self before he woke up alone on his bed. He reached up and touched his neck, there was no wound at all although the bloody pair of scissors was still present on his bed._

_He smiled as he walked towards his wardrobe to get his red jersey out. “I finally found the strength to put this on again thanks to you.” But it was the first and last time that he got to wear it again because the world had—_

* * *

 

                When Shintaro came to, he was no longer in that white space with the other him but where he was previously. He blinked confusedly as he touched the place where he was shot earlier but there was no wound. When Shintaro finally snapped out of it, he glanced around the place, Konoha was not in sight and for some reason the place was red… and Shintaro’s feet was wet.

                His eyes widened in shock when he finally found the reason behind it. The other members that were supposed to be with him…were dead on the ground. The ground was stained with their blood, hence why it was red and wet. “What?” Shintaro questioned as he frantically looked around the place.

                “It’s the same this loop too after so many timelines, aren’t you tired of repeating it already?”  The dark Konoha was talking to Marry who seemed to be the only survivor. Marry looked completely different and it took Shintaro a while before he understood what was going on. The reason behind the crumbling space around him was clear when Shintaro registered what the dark Konoha talked to Mary about.

                The dark Konoha seemed to have noticed his presence and happily told him that he was glad to see him in this loop this time and about how if Shintaro had not stopped Konoha, he probably would not have the chance to appear this time. “But that just means that it’s my win again this time. The Queen seems ready to start over the game again so I don’t have time to thank you.”

                Marry had turned her attention towards him and Shintaro slowly walked towards her. The conversation between them was something unexpected when Marry had asked him to never forget what happened and Shintaro agreed to the pact. A snake had broke free from Mary and Shintaro felt himself being swallowed by it before it disappeared.

                “It’s a promise.” Shintaro promised her again when the snake seemingly entered his body. Glancing around the place, it was clear that the time remaining in this timeline was little when it was starting to disappear more and more.

When he realised that, Shintaro recalled the last thing he spoke to his other self about. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry… It looks like it wouldn’t be possible for us to meet again….”Shintaro whispered softly as he let the tears to fall from his eyes. He had his suspicion at first but after hearing from the dark Konoha mentioning different timelines, Shintaro had finally understood how it was possible for them to have met each other.

                The reason why the both of them existed was because Mary restarted the timeline and some glitches must have happened for the last one. The fact that they could both see each other meant that… “None of our timelines are the right one…” There is no future where either of them would live, especially his other self when the dark Konoha had talked about seeing Shintaro this time.

                It made sense if he did not see Shintaro previously if that timeline was his other self’s one when his other self did not leave the house at all or meet the members of the Mekakushi Dan. “Perhaps that’s why…” He felt pretty inclined to stay around with the Mekakushi Dan because the him from the previous timeline had saw a him that was living a better live with them.

                Shintaro smiled sadly as he whispered out his next words. “Even if it was a glitch and it ended like this, I’m still glad that I was able to meet you.” Because he was able to meet his other self, he was able to get over his own self hatred over himself.

                “Maybe the next timeline would be one where—“ His words were cut off as everything turned dark as his time was up, the world was resetting itself all over again.

* * *

 

                 **“So that’s what this was about…” Shintaro muttered to himself. The memories of all the timelines he had experienced had just returned to him. It helped solved some of the questions he had about how his heart ached as well as a sense of emptiness when he glanced at his red jersey and black jacket sometimes.**

**Currently Shintaro  had no idea what he was supposed to feel about the thoughts belonging to those two had. Despite how strange and weird it was, he was strangely able to accept it. Just as he had decided on that, the place flashed white and when Shintaro opened his eyes, there were two figures standing in front of him.**

**One of them was in red like him while the other was in black. “You two are…” Although all the him in the previous timelines looked the same when they were the same person, for some reason Shintaro knew which timelines they were from instantly.**

**The one dressed in red like him flashed him a small smile before answering him. “You know who we are don’t you?” The red Shintaro grabbed hold of the black one’s hand and tugged him forward to face Shintaro. There were soft whispers between the both of them that Shintaro was not able to hear properly but he managed to pick up pieces on their conversation to know that the red one was urging the black one to speak up.**

**“You have a chance to make this work when you have something that we don’t. You know what to do don’t you?” The black one stated in a nonchalant tone while the red one smiled apologetically.**

**Shintaro nodded his head in response. “What would happen to the both of you?” Shintaro could not help but question as he watched the two in front of him. Since he had all his memories, he knew what the both of them felt towards each other. It was still strange but he was able to accept it when he knew what are the emotions the two of them feel before they met eachother.**

**The red one’s smile shifted into a brighter one as he linked arms with the black one. “There’s no need to worry. We’ll be living inside you with all the others. As long as you’re alive and still hold those memories, we’ll still exist inside you. That’s why you have to live on our behalf with everyone else and live a happy life. All of you have already suffered enough for a lifetime already, so make this the last time. We’ll be watching and urging you on inside.”**

**With those words, the two had disappeared and his vision returned to that of his own room. Shintaro smiled as he muttered a soft thanks. “I’ll be going now.” For their sake as well as his own, he has to make it end this time.**

**Author's Note:**

> If you manage to read this to the end, Kudos to you. I mean the plot must a little strange and confusing at times and I don't really think there's much of a closure to some aspects too. And not to mention I don't think I had a good grasp on the character... This probably needs some more work and I might edit it if I have the time.
> 
> If there's any questions or mistakes you will like to ask, feel free to let me know. And thank you for taking your time to read this to the end!


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